When I do something, it is with my whole heart and soul. I don’t halfway commit, I don’t dabble, I don’t dip my toe in. I plunge headfirst, with a huge grin on my face. I’ll think about what could go wrong, the risks, the stumbling blocks, and I’ll always, time after time, I’ll let myself fall.
Because you know what? I have no chill.
If I like someone, I want to tell them over and over again. I want to read them my favorite poem because they make me feel the same way. I want to bring them soup when they’re sick and bring them their favorite chocolate bar when they ace that exam. I want to know their favorite childhood memory and what makes their heart sing.
Because I have no chill.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to get out of bed because it is 2015 and there people fighting for their lives to matter, because there are girls being raped and subjugated and abandoned and ill treated in the country I was born in, because I’m waking up in a life where I attend a private university and am financially supported by two parents who love me and there are people in the same country who won’t eat anything today. And I can’t go through my day without thinking about these things and feeling all of them.
Because I have no chill.
I fell in love once and I wrote pages and pages about him and I still do. Not because I still love him but because he showed me what my heart could do.
I write poetry about people I’ve just met because humanity amazes me every single day. I think people are beautiful and complex and sheer wonders and writing is the only way I can try and let them know.
I want to make a difference in this world, some day some how, and I am 19 and idealistic and naive and just trying to get through college with my mind and heart intact, but I’d rather live my life with stars in my eyes.
And we live in a society and I exist in a generation where not caring is cool and I think this just confirmed it, I’ll never be cool.
Because I have no chill.
Diary of a mad brown girl 