The 4 guys you’ll date in Washington D.C.

  1. The Apolitico: This is the dude who never wants to talk about politics. He’s white and straight and cis and hails from Connecticut. He didn’t mean to end up in DC. He’s a programmer or works some kind of finance job you don’t really care to understand, even though he explains it multiple times over $16 cocktails. He doesn’t care about politics but thinks Elizabeth Warren isn’t likeable.
  2. The guy who just discovered non-monogamy: He thinks he’s polyamorous but is really just badly communicating with 8 different women at once. He read the Amazon summary of “The Ethical Slut” and has “poly” in his Tinder bio but has yet to manage basic time management skills. Three girls think they’re exclusively dating him because while he hasn’t that conversation with them, he assumed they understand the “vibes” (his words not mine). He assumes their needs are limited to his flirty texts that appear every 3 – 5 business days. He is currently looking for his a 9th partner so slide into his DMs if you understand partnering without possession!
  3. The workaholic: He’s too busy to see you but not busy enough to stop breadcrumbing you. He has some swanky, high profile job that impresses you on the first date. He isn’t condescending either, and you’d love to see him again. But actually, he has a conference in San Francisco this week and needs to fly to Sri Lanka next week for an international convening. How about next weekend? Oh his best friend from college is getting married in Napa. Instead of admitting he doesn’t have the time to date (or that you’re really option 2 or 3) he will send you a considerate, yet incredibly witty text once a week so you remember who is and how cute he looked in that blue checked shirt every guy in DC has.
  4. The Hilltern: He’s just here for the summer and pays for your drinks with an Amex gold card. His internship on the Hill is unpaid obviously, but his parents just “think that the experience is so important” so they’re bankrolling his Ubers and bottomless brunches and $2,200 studio apartment in Dupont Circle. He’s working for a Republican representative for the “connections” and tries to, very sincerely, and very incorrectly, explain the merits of supply-side economics with his 8th Bud Lite in hand.

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